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Me pregunto si aun hay personas aqui
2 min read
O tal vez migraron a Tumblr o Facebook.
A la "yo" del pasado quisiera decirle: la vida no mejora. Es más, ahora es peor, más difícil y sin sentido.
Antes era más fácil mantener esperanza del cambio. Me dije: Cuando sea grande tendré mi libertad, dejaré mi nombre en el mundo.
Cuando tenga 18.
¿Cómo seré a los 15?
¿Cómo seré adolescente?
¿Cómo será tener sexo?
¿Daré mi primer beso?
Mis planes han fallado, "yo del pasado". Sí, hice todo lo anterior, pero la realidad supera la ficción, o sea, no es tan dulce como lo imaginé. Ahi me doy cuenta que el mundo no tiene sentido alguno y es mi mayor terror de niña, el vacío absoluto. La nada. El olvido.
Todavía siento que tengo 12 años, está atrapada muy adentro de mi. Aún recuerdo el 2008 LOQUENDO. Youtube, Deviantart, Newgrounds, juegosdiarios. Horas perdidas en internet. En los celulares, en mi ipod nano.
Y la prepa, ¡Oh la prepa! Eso no lo quiero olvidar. Me da pena que solo han pasado unos años y tenga recuerdos borrosos, si apenas fue ayer hace 8 años que hice esta cuenta.
¿Por qué? ¿Por qué no se detuvo el tiempo?
P.D. Creo que Deviantart no deja escribir acentos en los títulos.
A la "yo" del pasado quisiera decirle: la vida no mejora. Es más, ahora es peor, más difícil y sin sentido.
Antes era más fácil mantener esperanza del cambio. Me dije: Cuando sea grande tendré mi libertad, dejaré mi nombre en el mundo.
Cuando tenga 18.
¿Cómo seré a los 15?
¿Cómo seré adolescente?
¿Cómo será tener sexo?
¿Daré mi primer beso?
Mis planes han fallado, "yo del pasado". Sí, hice todo lo anterior, pero la realidad supera la ficción, o sea, no es tan dulce como lo imaginé. Ahi me doy cuenta que el mundo no tiene sentido alguno y es mi mayor terror de niña, el vacío absoluto. La nada. El olvido.
Todavía siento que tengo 12 años, está atrapada muy adentro de mi. Aún recuerdo el 2008 LOQUENDO. Youtube, Deviantart, Newgrounds, juegosdiarios. Horas perdidas en internet. En los celulares, en mi ipod nano.
Y la prepa, ¡Oh la prepa! Eso no lo quiero olvidar. Me da pena que solo han pasado unos años y tenga recuerdos borrosos, si apenas fue ayer hace 8 años que hice esta cuenta.
¿Por qué? ¿Por qué no se detuvo el tiempo?
P.D. Creo que Deviantart no deja escribir acentos en los títulos.
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Good bye high school
1 min read
So, the next step on my life is college... Not big deal actually. I'm gonna miss high school. It was the best period of my life.
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En un mundo descomunal
4 min read
Cuando era una niña, me sentía tan ignorante y pequeña. Pero por supuesto, era feliz, por mi vida despreocupada, sin tristezas y aún vivía sin los recuerdos que me torturaran como hoy.
Para apagar mi sentimiento de inferioridad, me imaginé el futuro en donde sería mayor. En ese lejano mañana sería capaz de comprender mejor el mundo, sus misterios y el funcionamiento de todo. Creí que al crecer, mis dudas se contestarían y me volvería sabia, aprendería las cosas complicadas de los adultos y todo eso me haría grande. Dejaría de ser la pequeña entre tantos gigantes.
Pero ahora, entre más tiempo vivo, menos entiendo. Recojo más años, junto con más dudas. Hay más preguntas que antes y en realidad las respuestas solo me confunden para generar nuevas incógnitas.
Mis búsquedas son infinitas, entre más indago por algo que resuelva y alivie mi incomprensión me encuentro con un bloque de intelectuales, científicos y artistas con definiciones e ideas que no comprendo nada de nada, y yo debo investigar para saber y saciar estas malditas dudas. Aunque tengo una esperanza que estos "grandes" me harán ver la luz, me estrello con un sin fin de temas que mi cerebro debe asimilar de uno al otro, de este otro para otro nuevo, de este nuevo para otro similar, y así en grandes cadenas.
Y cuando menos lo esperaba, la ilusión que tenía sobre mi futuro de cuando era una chiquilla, llegó. Ya soy mayor de edad, pero no me siento sabia ni más inteligente, ni mucho menos comparto ese sentir grande como un adulto. ¡No! Todo lo opuesto, me siento más pequeña e ignorante que al principio... Y mi felicidad también se redujo.
Así llegué a concluir que jamás llegaré a saber ni una cuarta parte del universo. Y otra, no quiero integrarme a este mundo tan complicado, producto de los adultos. Miren en donde quedo mi sonrisa de infante.
No me percaté que hace miles de ayeres atrás, abandoné la vida añorada del principio.
Cambié de rumbo y prospecto, y la idea original en la búsqueda del conocimiento, no era para que se fijaran en mi, como un intento de integración y reconocimiento por parte de los mayores. No, yo quería saber porque eso fue un impulso por culpa de mi inmensa curiosidad.
¿Ahora a dónde se han ido esos momentos "normales" que tenía al principio?
No se como nombrar lo que fui, pero en definitiva es anti-natural preocuparse tanto, tenerle miedo a cosas que no hay que temer, a amar en busca de un beneficio, pagar para vivir decentemente, a ser esclavo del tiempo, estar en constante estrés, definir el valor de las personas como mercancía.
¿En que momento nuestra mente se volvió una recopilación de recuerdos dolorosos? Tu subconsciente es traicionera, ¿eh? (porque sé que no soy la única).
Ya nada es suficiente. Me arrinconé a buscar un propósito en mi vida que sacie este "dejar de sentirme pequeña", un camino para no sentirme relegada en este planeta con 7 billones de gigantes y yo, pequeña.
¿Cómo llegamos a evolucionar de un modo tan vacío? Prefiero ser considerada inútil, sin camino, relegada ser llamada inmensamente pequeña, a dejar mi ser por siempre.
Y las preguntas sobre la inmensidad del mundo jamás serán del todo comprendidas, pero seguiré en este trayecto aunque ya no con meta de saberlo todo (por que eso amigo, es imposible), por que ni un cuarto sabré, ya dije. Estoy por si me encuentro con algo que me salve de la oscuridad del mundo que siento me quiere devorar.
Para apagar mi sentimiento de inferioridad, me imaginé el futuro en donde sería mayor. En ese lejano mañana sería capaz de comprender mejor el mundo, sus misterios y el funcionamiento de todo. Creí que al crecer, mis dudas se contestarían y me volvería sabia, aprendería las cosas complicadas de los adultos y todo eso me haría grande. Dejaría de ser la pequeña entre tantos gigantes.
Pero ahora, entre más tiempo vivo, menos entiendo. Recojo más años, junto con más dudas. Hay más preguntas que antes y en realidad las respuestas solo me confunden para generar nuevas incógnitas.
Mis búsquedas son infinitas, entre más indago por algo que resuelva y alivie mi incomprensión me encuentro con un bloque de intelectuales, científicos y artistas con definiciones e ideas que no comprendo nada de nada, y yo debo investigar para saber y saciar estas malditas dudas. Aunque tengo una esperanza que estos "grandes" me harán ver la luz, me estrello con un sin fin de temas que mi cerebro debe asimilar de uno al otro, de este otro para otro nuevo, de este nuevo para otro similar, y así en grandes cadenas.
Y cuando menos lo esperaba, la ilusión que tenía sobre mi futuro de cuando era una chiquilla, llegó. Ya soy mayor de edad, pero no me siento sabia ni más inteligente, ni mucho menos comparto ese sentir grande como un adulto. ¡No! Todo lo opuesto, me siento más pequeña e ignorante que al principio... Y mi felicidad también se redujo.
Así llegué a concluir que jamás llegaré a saber ni una cuarta parte del universo. Y otra, no quiero integrarme a este mundo tan complicado, producto de los adultos. Miren en donde quedo mi sonrisa de infante.
No me percaté que hace miles de ayeres atrás, abandoné la vida añorada del principio.
Cambié de rumbo y prospecto, y la idea original en la búsqueda del conocimiento, no era para que se fijaran en mi, como un intento de integración y reconocimiento por parte de los mayores. No, yo quería saber porque eso fue un impulso por culpa de mi inmensa curiosidad.
¿Ahora a dónde se han ido esos momentos "normales" que tenía al principio?
No se como nombrar lo que fui, pero en definitiva es anti-natural preocuparse tanto, tenerle miedo a cosas que no hay que temer, a amar en busca de un beneficio, pagar para vivir decentemente, a ser esclavo del tiempo, estar en constante estrés, definir el valor de las personas como mercancía.
¿En que momento nuestra mente se volvió una recopilación de recuerdos dolorosos? Tu subconsciente es traicionera, ¿eh? (porque sé que no soy la única).
Ya nada es suficiente. Me arrinconé a buscar un propósito en mi vida que sacie este "dejar de sentirme pequeña", un camino para no sentirme relegada en este planeta con 7 billones de gigantes y yo, pequeña.
¿Cómo llegamos a evolucionar de un modo tan vacío? Prefiero ser considerada inútil, sin camino, relegada ser llamada inmensamente pequeña, a dejar mi ser por siempre.
Y las preguntas sobre la inmensidad del mundo jamás serán del todo comprendidas, pero seguiré en este trayecto aunque ya no con meta de saberlo todo (por que eso amigo, es imposible), por que ni un cuarto sabré, ya dije. Estoy por si me encuentro con algo que me salve de la oscuridad del mundo que siento me quiere devorar.
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I'm kinda lost... Reincarnation?
3 min read
(I think my English has decreased a lot, so sorry for any mistakes)
It's been more than a year since I've wrote a Deviantart journal.
Things have changed too quickly and lately I have had a very confusing life.
I don't know if anyone will read this, but meh, anyway. I'll try to explain what have happened to me and why I've been absent for sooo long.
Not only because of other social media, like facebook or tumblr, coff coff. ¬¬ But my life has taken another course that I've never expected. Something wonderful but also horrible change me... And maybe forever.
I'll ask you, have you ever known a person that changed drastically your life?
Or a series of strange events, over and over, that eventually they change you and your life is now... weird?
Yeeeeaaaah maybe you don't understand, or I don't know how to explain myself. Maybe you wonder what the hell I'm talking about...
But since the 9th of September of 2011 I met a boy, a very strange and weird young man, who was always talking about metaphysics and reincarnation.
I know it may sound too crazy, or what the hell you're talking about and what did that guy do to you?
I don't know, but it wasn't only him. I later met more and more people in my high school talking about the same things. Then of course the crisis of 2012 began, it was such a weird and exciting adventure I was living.
Well here I am... I forgot about art, about my past, what I used to do and more importantly, I got lost myself.
An existential crisis. I just got over the biggest depression of my life 5 months ago.
I'm still here, thinking of a new life, trying to start over and follow my original dreams because that's what I have left of the original me. I know I'll never be the same and I'm glad of it, but I hope I'll never loose myself again.
Anyway, thanks to that boy I started a very complicated, ironic, weird... Too strange... Too damn strange life.
Maybe I'll make a book of it... seriously, my last two years should be written.
It's just too long and complicated to explain but I can tell you one last thing.
Everything I began to live since I met that boy on a Friday night of the 9th of September until now, had to do with OLIVES!
It's been more than a year since I've wrote a Deviantart journal.
Things have changed too quickly and lately I have had a very confusing life.
I don't know if anyone will read this, but meh, anyway. I'll try to explain what have happened to me and why I've been absent for sooo long.
Not only because of other social media, like facebook or tumblr, coff coff. ¬¬ But my life has taken another course that I've never expected. Something wonderful but also horrible change me... And maybe forever.
I'll ask you, have you ever known a person that changed drastically your life?
Or a series of strange events, over and over, that eventually they change you and your life is now... weird?
Yeeeeaaaah maybe you don't understand, or I don't know how to explain myself. Maybe you wonder what the hell I'm talking about...
But since the 9th of September of 2011 I met a boy, a very strange and weird young man, who was always talking about metaphysics and reincarnation.
I know it may sound too crazy, or what the hell you're talking about and what did that guy do to you?
I don't know, but it wasn't only him. I later met more and more people in my high school talking about the same things. Then of course the crisis of 2012 began, it was such a weird and exciting adventure I was living.
Well here I am... I forgot about art, about my past, what I used to do and more importantly, I got lost myself.
An existential crisis. I just got over the biggest depression of my life 5 months ago.
I'm still here, thinking of a new life, trying to start over and follow my original dreams because that's what I have left of the original me. I know I'll never be the same and I'm glad of it, but I hope I'll never loose myself again.
Anyway, thanks to that boy I started a very complicated, ironic, weird... Too strange... Too damn strange life.
Maybe I'll make a book of it... seriously, my last two years should be written.
It's just too long and complicated to explain but I can tell you one last thing.
Everything I began to live since I met that boy on a Friday night of the 9th of September until now, had to do with OLIVES!
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I should be in jail.
4 min read
The last time I made this test it was two years ago and I had a total of 48 wich means I was a very bad influence... Now let's see how worst I got. ¬¬
[x] smoked.
[x] consumed alcohol.
[x] slept in the same bed with someone of the opposite sex.
[x] slept in the same bed with someone of the same sex.
[x] kissed someone of the same sex. (It was a challenge... though I had boyfriend)
[x] had sex.
[x] had someone in your room other than family.
[x] watched porn
[ ] bought porn.
[x] tried drugs.
TOTAL: 9
[x] taken painkillers.
[x] taken someone else's prescription medicine.
[x] lied to your parents.
[x] lied to a friend.
[ ] snuck out of the house.
[x] done something illegal.
[x] felt hurt.
[x] hurt someone.
[x] wished someone to die.
[ ] seen someone die.
TOTAL: 8
[x] missed curfew.
[ ] stayed out all night.
[x] eaten a carton of ice cream by yourself (I love ice cream!)
[x] been to a therapist.
[x] received a ticket
[ ] been to rehab
[x] dyed your hair. (People recognize me because of my dyed hair)
[x] been in an accident.
[ ] been to a club.
[x] been to a bar.
TOTAL: 7
[ ] been to a wild party.
[ ] been to a Mardi Gras parade.
[x] drank more than three alcoholic beverages in a night.
[ ] had a spring break in Florida.
[ ] sniffed anything
[x] wore black nail polish
[x] wore arm bands.
[x] wore t-shirts with band names.
[x] listened to rap.
[ ] owned a 50 Cent CD.
TOTAL: 5
[x] dressed gothic.
[x] dressed girly.
[x] dressed punk.
[x] dressed grunge.
[x] stole something.
[ ] been too drunk to remember anything.
[ ] blacked out.
[ ] fainted.
[ ] had a crush on a neighbor. (Dude, I hate my neighbors)
TOTAL: 5
[x] had a crush on a friend.
[x] been to a concert.
[x] dry-humped someone.
[x] been called a slut. (A girl afther she figured out my ex cheated on her with me)
[x] called someone a slut.
[ ] installed speakers in your car. (don't own a car ... ;_
[x] broken a mirror.
[x] showered at someone of the opposites sex's house.
[x] brushed your teeth with someone else's toothbrush. (It was an accident... I SWEAR!)
TOTAL: 8
[ ] considered Ludacris your favorite rapper.
[ ] seen an R-rated movie in theater.
[x] cruised on mall.
[x] skipped school.
[ ] had surgery.
[x] had an injury.
[ ] gone to court.
[x] walked out of a restaurant without paying/tipping. (sister paid)
[x] caught something on fire. (yeah... worst idea ever)
[x] lied about your age.
TOTAL: 6
[ ] owned/rented an apartment/house.
[x] broke the law in the police's presence. (Smoking pot... Idiots ¬¬)
[x] made out with someone who had a gf/bf. (I think I already told that)
[x] got in trouble with the police.
[x] talked to a stranger.
[x] hugged a stranger.
[x] kissed a stranger. (Yeah it was... funny)
[x] rode in the car with a stranger.
[x] been harassed.
[x] been verbally harassed.
TOTAL: 9
[ ] met face-to-face with someone you met online.
[x] stayed online for 5+ hours straight.
[ ] talked on the phone for more than 4 hours straight.
[x] watched TV for 5 hours straight.
[x] been to a fair.
[x] been called a bad influence.
[ ] drank and drove.
[x] prank-called someone.
[x] laid on a couch with someone of the opposite sex.
[x] cheated on a test.
TOTAL: 7
GRAND TOTAL: 64
If You Have Less Than 10.. write [I'm a Goody Goody]
If You Have More Than 10.. write [I'm still a goody goody]
If You Have more Than 20..write [I'm average]
If You Have More Than 30..write [I'm a bad kid]
If You have more than 40..write [I'm a very bad influence]
If You Have more than 50..write [I'm a horrible person]
If You Have more than 60..write [I should be in jail]
If You Have more than 70..Write [I should be dead]
Okay... Conclusion: I got worst in 2 years... very bad.
[x] smoked.
[x] consumed alcohol.
[x] slept in the same bed with someone of the opposite sex.
[x] slept in the same bed with someone of the same sex.
[x] kissed someone of the same sex. (It was a challenge... though I had boyfriend)
[x] had sex.
[x] had someone in your room other than family.
[x] watched porn
[ ] bought porn.
[x] tried drugs.
TOTAL: 9
[x] taken painkillers.
[x] taken someone else's prescription medicine.
[x] lied to your parents.
[x] lied to a friend.
[ ] snuck out of the house.
[x] done something illegal.
[x] felt hurt.
[x] hurt someone.
[x] wished someone to die.
[ ] seen someone die.
TOTAL: 8
[x] missed curfew.
[ ] stayed out all night.
[x] eaten a carton of ice cream by yourself (I love ice cream!)
[x] been to a therapist.
[x] received a ticket
[ ] been to rehab
[x] dyed your hair. (People recognize me because of my dyed hair)
[x] been in an accident.
[ ] been to a club.
[x] been to a bar.
TOTAL: 7
[ ] been to a wild party.
[ ] been to a Mardi Gras parade.
[x] drank more than three alcoholic beverages in a night.
[ ] had a spring break in Florida.
[ ] sniffed anything
[x] wore black nail polish
[x] wore arm bands.
[x] wore t-shirts with band names.
[x] listened to rap.
[ ] owned a 50 Cent CD.
TOTAL: 5
[x] dressed gothic.
[x] dressed girly.
[x] dressed punk.
[x] dressed grunge.
[x] stole something.
[ ] been too drunk to remember anything.
[ ] blacked out.
[ ] fainted.
[ ] had a crush on a neighbor. (Dude, I hate my neighbors)
TOTAL: 5
[x] had a crush on a friend.
[x] been to a concert.
[x] dry-humped someone.
[x] been called a slut. (A girl afther she figured out my ex cheated on her with me)
[x] called someone a slut.
[ ] installed speakers in your car. (don't own a car ... ;_
[x] broken a mirror.
[x] showered at someone of the opposites sex's house.
[x] brushed your teeth with someone else's toothbrush. (It was an accident... I SWEAR!)
TOTAL: 8
[ ] considered Ludacris your favorite rapper.
[ ] seen an R-rated movie in theater.
[x] cruised on mall.
[x] skipped school.
[ ] had surgery.
[x] had an injury.
[ ] gone to court.
[x] walked out of a restaurant without paying/tipping. (sister paid)
[x] caught something on fire. (yeah... worst idea ever)
[x] lied about your age.
TOTAL: 6
[ ] owned/rented an apartment/house.
[x] broke the law in the police's presence. (Smoking pot... Idiots ¬¬)
[x] made out with someone who had a gf/bf. (I think I already told that)
[x] got in trouble with the police.
[x] talked to a stranger.
[x] hugged a stranger.
[x] kissed a stranger. (Yeah it was... funny)
[x] rode in the car with a stranger.
[x] been harassed.
[x] been verbally harassed.
TOTAL: 9
[ ] met face-to-face with someone you met online.
[x] stayed online for 5+ hours straight.
[ ] talked on the phone for more than 4 hours straight.
[x] watched TV for 5 hours straight.
[x] been to a fair.
[x] been called a bad influence.
[ ] drank and drove.
[x] prank-called someone.
[x] laid on a couch with someone of the opposite sex.
[x] cheated on a test.
TOTAL: 7
GRAND TOTAL: 64
If You Have Less Than 10.. write [I'm a Goody Goody]
If You Have More Than 10.. write [I'm still a goody goody]
If You Have more Than 20..write [I'm average]
If You Have More Than 30..write [I'm a bad kid]
If You have more than 40..write [I'm a very bad influence]
If You Have more than 50..write [I'm a horrible person]
If You Have more than 60..write [I should be in jail]
If You Have more than 70..Write [I should be dead]
Okay... Conclusion: I got worst in 2 years... very bad.
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